I am so tired of adulting.
When I was 29 and getting ready to turn thirty, I viewed my 30s as milestone years. This was going to be the time that I nurtured and worked on growing into the woman that I desired to become. I wanted to be more responsible especially with my finances; I wanted to improve on my skillsets and truly master what all I do; I wanted to step my game up in accomplishing the various personal goals that I have; and overall, I wanted to be better than I was before. Thirty for me was going to be the beginning of my level up years and I was ready.
This ish right here, though, is overwhelming. These past few days, maybe even couple of weeks, I have been feeling slightly off about my life. In other words, I haven’t been feeling very accomplished and I have been wondering “Am I even doing anything with myself?” I’ve been seeing many of my younger peers from my college days obtaining Master’s Degrees and moving on to their Doctorate; former classmates and even closer friends are getting engaged, married or having babies which is the greatest desire of my heart; others are going on various vacations and getting fit and fab and living it up. I had to deactivate my Facebook because I found myself being envious and wondering “when is it going to be my turn?” I know that each person has their own journey to take, but sometimes I honestly just want for my piece of the pie to be actualized already. It’s almost like the world keeps moving and shaking and I got stuck standing still.
Make the best of it.
I was talking to one of my older co-workers the other day and was just venting to her about my frustrations. She admitted to me that she has the same frustrations and concerns, but she also said to me that this is what it is. Her thought process is- this is where I am at, I can only do what I can do with it so let me make the best of it. Looking back on it now, I have to admit that I am always mentioning what successes that I want, but am oftentimes complaining when rocky terrain appears. How can I ever be a diamond when I cannot handle the pressing process?
My childhood minister used to always say that in order for a mother to give birth to her greatest blessing- her child- she had to go through labor pains. He likened this imagery to the struggles that we Christians will face. The same can be said with life without the religious context to it. It order for me to accomplish my goals, I have to go through some labor pains and I realize that this time right now is my labor pain, my climbing season, to get to the top of this year’s mountain. Maybe I need to stop thinking about this season as such a negative thing and lean into it with the intentions of learning. You won’t know that an umbrella works in the time of a storm if you’ve never had to walk through one. When you know better, you do better, and this is another season or me to learn and grow.
View the bigger picture, take small steps to get there.
Nothing great was ever built in one day. I do realize that, but I think that I am impatient. I have to remember to slow down and work with what I can while not tripping over what I can’t. It’s such an easy mantra to think of, but harder to practice in real life. Nothing that I truly want to accomplish is going to happen overnight and I just have to remember what my bigger picture is to get me through. I remember when my besties and I were saving for our trip to DR, I remember how good it felt when we were finally purchasing our tickets and we each received the confirmation. That moment showed me that with a little time and patience and saving that I could do what I wanted to do and the same applies to all areas of my life. As long as I have a clear idea of what my tiny goals are and I know what the bigger picture is that these tiny goals are working towards, then I should use that as my motivation.
Relax… and stop thinking so hard.
Ok so for real… I think that I am being low- key hard on myself. I just don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want for life to pass me by and I look up and realize that I am basic as hell and settled with my life. But the truth is that I am also probably setting some unrealistic standard for myself also. My goals may not be unrealistic, but my internal timeframe for when these goals will be accomplished is probably a bit extreme. I have to remember that one day at a time is all that I have to offer and to lighten up- life is to be lived alongside being responsible. I cannot live my life like it’s a job itself.
All of the time when I was a kid I wanted to be an adult and now that I am an adult I want to go back to being a Toys R Us kid lol. Life was so simple when I was a kid, but now that I am an adult I can honestly appreciate the control that I do have over my existence. I have final say over how I live my life and what I want for myself, so truly the gift and joy can be found in simply having that type of freedom over myself. My prayer for myself is that while I go through these stepping stones that I remember that fact.