No, but for real. Last Saturday I had an emotional moment and just broke down and cried. In my car. With my cousin and my aunt there beside me. And when it was all said and done, tears dried and I felt the release of weight being lifted from my shoulders, I realized that I was deeply sad and also deeply overwhelmed. And it was because I made it that way.
Just a moment ago I had to stop myself from thinking about all of the trips that I am planning to take this year and when I should be saving for them and how much and I need a new dresser for this here bedroom and oh shoot I gotta get a new shower mat and damn when am I going to have time to get this noise in my car checked out and will I have the money to pay for it and what the hell could it be and… yeah. My overanalyzing has even seeped its way into my relationship. Being that I am a couple of years older than my Boo, his family jokingly calls me a cougar, but after a while I found myself being extra aware of my clothes and my hair and my weight and whether or not he still found me to be attractive after living together for almost a year and will this argument be the reason why we break up and truthfully… I watch too much Love and Hip Hop lol. But seriously though… he had to sit me down and be like “yo what’s good with you?” because it was beginning to affect my attitude towards him and my attitude about myself. I was creating trepidations in my mind about our relationship that he wasn’t even feeling or close to thinking and the confident woman that he fell in love with was becoming needy and insecure.
Part of the problem is that I feel like I’ve got something to prove and it’s honestly to nobody but myself. The other part of it is that I know how I want to be seen and who I want to view myself as and I feel that I have been working on becoming her. But instead of growing daily and living my life, I have been strategizing it and placing too much pressure on myself. After that cry I literally had to tell myself WHO THE FUCK CARES?? My mom told me once before that life is not as complicated as we can make it and I didn’t understand what she meant until now. I am not superwoman and I am nowhere near where I would like to be, but I am already the woman that I want to become. Instead of strategizing who I want to be, I should just BE HER. I should just LIVE. Every aspect of my life does not require a game plan.
I woke up that following day, Sunday, and I reminded myself that I need to be kind to myself. Some shit is just going to fall apart at the wrong time, but that doesn’t mean that all is lost. There are going to be some situations that are out of my control- that’s not my business. It’s easy to get riled up into emotions and thoughts and get overwhelmed, but there is something so peaceful about differentiating between what you can handle and what is outside of your hands. Knowing the difference between those two will alone bring you greater peace and less mental frustration. I literally just told my little sister Deja that part of being a responsible adult is knowing when to ask for help from the right people. Welp, being a responsible adult also means knowing when to let go, let God, and let live. I’m going to not think so hard about doing just that- living.